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Sat, Jul. 1st, 2006, 11:51 am
i dunno

I'm emotional as fuck, and I need to trace it back. You can feel free as hell to read this up and down. You won't fuckin' like it, but you can go die for all I can stand at this point.

Ok. I got work done. Tied in loose ends with Ben'n'Ade, finally got plotting with the Jaek lawyery stuff. Was damn proud, going through all my files...completely skimmed over my poor, neglected Neos. I've been doing that a lot lately.

chibi's been trying to get me to flex them some, I know, but I've balked at every turn. For one, I've given up OOC. I try'n never, ever use *'s if I can help it. Why? I have no idea. I don't wanna be clinging to something thats gone kinda thing. That was a then time, this is a now time. Like I said, you wouldn't like it, but I don't give a fuck. This is the god's honest truth.

Fuck, I was supposed to sweep.

For two, well...the Jumi as a whole. I just did that sphiel. Same applies. I've worn them out, I've clung on too long...realize this: someday, you'll have to let go of yours. No fuckin' romanticizims, as much as I love them, here. I hate that, it makes me ill, but I gotta live with it. They're raggedy, and it's just an abuse to drag them through the same-old. Yeah, I'm not fuckin' fair, go cry to someone else. They're mine before anyone else. I -am- fuckin' selfish.

But, I got through that usual, familiar feeling of regret, clinging to them so hard but never using them. I don't really RP very much at all anymore, I've lost my guts and my will and my ability. In that order. Chibi's lucky I even RP with her, but thats...I have no idea why. I don't feel pressure or anything, 'cause she never, ever saw me when I was good. Then whats my hangup with strangers? I dunno 'em. I make no fuckin' sense.

Got through all that, anyway. Little remorse here and there, add a few things, presto-I had a workable, clean-of-ties Robi. A fuckin' miracle. I always...even before Triad, during triad, and...can this be called post-triad?...wanted to use him stand-alone, 'cause he catches my interest more than most. Excluding Kami. But Kami is a two-way package with Tani, and that complicates matters unnessissairily. So, Robi stuck out. He alwsays has. Hes one of my few sucess stories. And I was ready for him to be butchered by my terrible skills of late, but I was...ok with it? Not really, but I felt I could mend him. If anyone, he could be fixed. He'n'Ka have always felt limitless to me; I could put them in any area, any setting, and I'd be good to go from the getgo. I think it has to do with attachment or something. They're the top of the foodchain.

No, KaxRobi will never happen. Tani would sooner rip his own face off.

Well. Then the whole 'rando-make plot!' thing came up. Honestly...I struggle against everything, wether I really wanna or not. I really wanted to magically make something worthy, make Ashu happpy and let there be bliss and harmony. But, no. My own fuckin' emotionalistic response was AUGHFEAR, 'cause thats how I self-sabotage. Well, wasn't fun. Know what happened there. I finally blabbed all the stuff about the poor Jumi, how they feel dusty to me. Like I'd really use them anyway. But...I dunno. When does use turn to abuse? I sound like my druggie uncle.

Blah, I got overly emotional and avoidy. 'Cause I'm pissed off that I've made myself make it come to this. I could fix them. Hell, I could just convert all the Neos over neatly into reality. I've done it in my head a million times, it's easy. But it doesn't feel right to me. It actually kinda makes me sick. Like, 'why the hell do you need to cling to them, you sentimental bitch' sick. I sound like an abuse case, I deserve an Oscar.

Just...downward from there. Tried to work some more. Realized that my moping on this stuff was pissin' off Chibi/would in the near future, and went 'you fucking idiot you don't ened to spread your misery around'. And then I got Auit IMing me out of the blue, apologizing for a piccy I asked for a year ago, I'm emoing, people're trying to get me to respond, Jax's concerned 'cause I'm not gonna even drag HER into this...

And then Ky decides to get pissed off at his videogame and bang his head into the couch. Mikey comes out, tells me I should stop him before he knocks his brain out. I sit there for easily a whole minute, go out there, and break out crying and screaming like neither of them have ever heard out of my mouth. Yelling about how he gets so emotional over nothing, how he needs to get a grip, how he should just grow the fuck up and stop worrying about things that won't last anyway. Then I came back and I cried and they walked past and I cried and they went to bed and I stopped crying.

So, Ky comes out five minutes ago and says, "Is it Sunday yet?"

I go, "It'll be Sunday in two minutes."

He smiles, and goes, "Good, we still have time to watch our show."

And he walks back to his room as if nothing happened at all.

...

Even when going through stuff in my head, writing this, I'm still so fucking dramatic. Screw the Oscar, I want an Emmy.

Sun, Jul. 2nd, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC)
dandelion__tea

...pfft. 'suta. ...there was no reason to get all omgRAWR about -that-. 'n'I am sorry, but, jesus. :/

I dunno what I can say to you. 'm sorry. I don't know how to make it better. I still think you're making things unnecessarily complicated and -bad- for yourself, but there's not a lot I can do. 's your thing. You know yourself better than I do.

I just know I'd die without my bois. =P

So. Friends? ;_;